So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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