Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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