I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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