Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
