My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
