you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
