Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
it's like iHOP with fire
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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