I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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