someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am available for nakedness
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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