I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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