I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Randomize
