I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
