today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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