and she was petting her beer can
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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