Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
