If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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