alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
