Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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