He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
