i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
