My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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