I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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