the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
