Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
