atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
