I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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