My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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