In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
