yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Acid is not a monday night drug
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
