I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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