Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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