Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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