Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
