Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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