i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
