Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
