there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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