Don't make out with my wife yet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
