The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
