It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
