so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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