i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My penis needs a shock collar
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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