Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
