we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
