im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
