I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
