Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
People in love make me want to vomit
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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