Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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