He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
