she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
